Love, Simon – Movie Review

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Chris Stuckmann reviews Love, Simon, starring Nick Robinson, Katherine Langford, Alexandra Shipp, Jorge Lendeborg Jr., Miles Heizer, Keiynan Lonsdale, Logan Miller, Jennifer Garner, Josh Duhamel, Tony Hale. Directed by Greg Berlanti.

Comments

jose borrero says:

Hey Chris are you gonna review the strangers prey at night

Fidget Spinner Movie says:

Love, Simon is a very touching, heartwarming story about a relatable teenager with a big secret. This film is entirely relatable for anyone who has been in high school. Viewers don’t need to share Simon’s exact problems in order to enjoy this film. That’s what makes it so special! The characters are all well-thought out and the story is very funny, interesting, and emotional. This is a film for everyone!

I’m just kidding! You’ll only love this mess of a film if you are a gay f*ggot! Since I am a logical human and would never make the dumbest decision ever – to choose to be gay – I couldn’t relate to this trash film at all. Since I don’t suck d*ck for a living, I absolutely hated this film because the characters were stupid, fake, unrealistic, and unenjoyable. Who would voluntarily want to watch 17 gay orgies in a movie theater with other people! Disgusting! It’s a good thing I brought my bible with me to read out anti-homosexuality scripture whenever something too f*ggoty happened on screen.

Since I was lucky enough to get a few preview screening tickets to this highly-anticipated film, I will avoid disclosing any previously unrevealed plot details or character motivations. Being a 67-year-old man, I had no one else to go with, so I decided I would take my 8-year-old granddaughter and her boyfriend/son. Since I am a loving grandfather and would do anything to make my grandchildren happy, I caved in when she asked if we could take her gay dog, named Simon, to the film since it is called Love, SIMON, after all. We know that her dog is gay because he has licked my penis multiple times when I put peanut butter on it. Our theater allows dogs if they are small and well-trained, so we were in the clear. In my head, I thought of telling her, “But honey, you ARE a dog, because you’re a b*tch!” But I ended up smiling and saying, “Of course we could take the ol’ puppy to the movies! It’s not like he could do anything bad!”

But enough of the events leading up to my film screening. I feel that you came to this review to hear about the movie itself and my experience in the theater. Well, since this film has over a month to go before being released, I still won’t say anything specific about the film, other than that it was very stupid and unrealistic. Even my granddaughter said she hated it, which I was worried she would be too young to do since she doesn’t completely understand what a f*ggot is, but I taught her after this movie forced me to. I was surprised that she actually payed attention to the movie, since she wasn’t even looking at the screen for most of the film. She spent more than half of the runtime sucking my d*ck, assuming it was her boyfriend/son’s. What a cutie!

I can honestly say that this was one of the most memorable experiences I’ve had going to the movies since I saw The Dark Knight Rises on July 20, 2012 at the Century 16 multiplex at the Town Center shopping mall at Aurora, Colorado. I remember that movie screening so well because I stood up for the cinema-goers when 12 people were talking during the movie. Suffice it to say, I “took care” of them. They definitely won’t be talking in a movie theater any time soon. My experience with Love, Simon also barely beat out my fantastic experience during The Emoji Movie last year where I manually pleasured myself since I couldn’t take my granddaughter. I got thrown out of the theater and arrested, but the jail time was totally worth it and I would definitely do it again — Maybe during Sherlock Gnomes (especially during Mankini’s sexy, booty-shaking dance).

I have only one last problem with my Love, Simon viewing experience that I wish to disclose to you all. About half way through the film, my granddaughter’s dog began barking out of nowhere. We think he was barking at my granddaughter’s boyfriend/son since he is Mexican and my dog was raised as a staunch Trump supporter and Republican, but we aren’t completely sure why he was barking still. Anyway, since I am a considerate person and I wish to respect those in the theater, I decided that I had to do something to keep my dog quiet, since it would be rude to have him bark in a crowded theater full of paying patrons. So, like any rational human would, I took out my AR-15 and exercised my constitutional second amendment right and took aim at my f*ggot dog. His dumb, gay eyes didn’t even know what was going on right before I blasted his brains all around the theater. Luckily, his blood and guts only splashed a few other people around us and I apologized to them, so it was alright. My granddaughter lifted her head up for the first time during the screening (what an animal!) to see what the loud noise was. I told her it was in the movie and she nodded and continued pleasuring me orally while her boyfriend/son stared with jealousy. I felt proud of myself for standing up for the people in the theater against the stupidest creatures to ever exist: homosexuals.
I’ve only had 29 other experiences with killing my granddaughter’s pets after they misbehaved, but this one was so memorable since it was in a crowded movie theater. I’ll just tell her that I sent the dog to her great-grandfather’s farm (even though he’s dead after I ran him over in my car a while ago) like I did with all the other pets. Anyway, after the dog was silenced, I was finally able to begin shooting at the screen whenever something gay happened in the movie to protect myself and my fellow cinema-goers from the sin of homosexuality. I only wish I had brought more ammo because I ran out about half way through the film and had to resort to using my pistol to shoot at the screen. I was also disappointed when some people in my theater began crying when the gay kid gets bullied (serves him right!). I, obviously, had to shoot them as well because they are a stain on humanity and didn’t deserve to share oxygen with me. It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! If God intended for homosexuality to exist, why can’t two men reproduce! Opposites attract! Not f*ggots!

0/5 stars – See it only if you hate God, humanity, reproduction, yourself, and natural order!

I also can’t recommend this film because it isn’t nearly as good, cinematically, as some of my favorite movies of all time, such as Moonlight, Call Me By Your Name, and Brokeback Mountain.

P.S. – After I did my job as a dog-owner to keep him quiet, I accidentally sat down on my gun in the wrong way and shot my granddaughter’s boyfriend/son. This actually almost made me like the film a little more, but then the 17th gay orgy happened and I decided nothing could save this film for me.

Mario Harris says:

Where did Chris get that super lit dragon ball shirt from???

Michael Mell says:

As a trans kid in the exact same position as Simon when it comes to being Out™️ I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS FILM. I have waited SO LONG for an lgbt romcom or basically any LGBT movie that doesn’t revolve around tragedy like Moonlight, which is still AMAZING, or a movie that doesn’t promote pedophilia like CMBYN. I cannot WAIT to see this in theatres in April.

Jonathan Espinoza says:

This movie was sooo charming and feelgood!

Liam Carmody says:

A Wrinkle In Time????

Zenith says:

Good review, BUT WHERE CAN I GET THAT SHIRT ???

Negrean Paul says:

Please review Every Day.I loved that film.Was not expecting it to be that good

Charlie Newyork says:

Please watch “Red Cliff” directed by “John Woo”

Eddie Camacho FILMS says:

Do horror movie “Veronica” on Netflix!!! Apparently it’s “one of the scariest films” so far

real talk says:

whats up with these gay movies

Afro Shinobi says:

might check it out just for Catherine Langford. I love her

Bineto Mussolini says:

I will not support or watch a gay kid going trough life learning that it’s ok be gay guess what it’s not!!!

Ryan Stewart says:

Thank you SOOOOOOOO much for reviewing this!!!!! The audience of your videos VERY, VERY MUCH need some life lessons on DIVERSITY and OPEN MINDEDNESS!!!!!
:+D

Preview Review says:

Try to see Gringo this week if you get the chance.

Тимур Маликов says:

Will we get I Tonya review?

_ Smitty858 says:

Simon Says: Go Watch This Movie

Roy Wright says:

This sounds pretty good. Maybe this will tide me over until the summer blockbuster season gets into full effect.

Jachiro Movie Reviews says:

The movie was definitely not an A- for me. Felt boring at times and some characters were really annoying. But Simon was a cool guy that’s about it. For me its a C+

Aaron Phillips says:

Is he not reviewing the Oscars?

Soldier Guy007 says:

Chris review the Indiana Jones trilogy for Ready Player One

Burning Pooper says:

Could you review Isle of Dogs when it comes out please

Ace Zachrocks says:

I got to go see this movie and this is just as good as game night which i loved. Also chris needs to review game night it is really good and i would like to here his opinion

Otis1Son says:

Hey that’s pretty gay.

jace welsh says:

I expect you to review I can only imagine. Cause if you didn’t discriminate a movie about homosexuality you definitely won’t discriminate a Christian movie…right?

tay x says:

idk how it’s possible to go into a movie completely blind with there being trailers before movies

James M. says:

Chris grew up loving Simon.

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