The Garbage Pail Kids Movie — Movie Review #JPMN

• The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) — Colossal mistake of corporate greed, 1/10.

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Your host, and film critic Jonathan Paula reviews everything from opening day releases, recent DVDs, upcoming trailers, and classics from years past, with an interactive format that integrates audience comments into a polished presentation. Each “Quick Review” is an excerpt from a full episode, which airs on the Jogwheel channel every weekend, except during the summer.

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~~ Review Script ~~
This Rod Amateau adventure comedy film somehow managed to squeak out a profit of $500 hundred-thousand, above its $1-million dollar budget when it released in August of 1987. Shamelessly, and foolishly based on the then-popular series of children’s gross and weird trading cards… this live-action adaptation is perhaps the stupidest product tie-in in the long and pathetic history of Hollywood adaptations. Seriously, this PG-rated movie was co-produced by a freaking chewing gum company! The ramshackle and nonsensical plot follows Mackenzie Astin, of “The Facts Of Life” fame, as a dweeby and horny teen who accidentally uncovers seven disgusting mutant baby creatures: who live in a garbage pail inside an antique store, for some reason. Compared to his untalented co-stars, Astin actually does a halfway decent job with some of his poorly-written dialogue – but honestly, not even an impeccable performance from Daniel Day Lewis could save this shitshow. Portrayed with hammy acting by a septuplet of dwarf actors, these “kids” robotically waddle around the cheap-looking sets, constantly spewing out stupid puns, bad jokes, and grotesque fluids from their bodies. The rubberized freak show of midgets can’t even execute a good fart joke correctly – every line of dialogue they utter is eye-rolling and cringe worthy… especially when the break into the picture’s lone musical number for no reason. Their facial expressions were reportedly going to be enhanced and finished with post-production animation, but due to budget and scheduling limitations… these elements were never completed, resulting in some positively creepy undead-looking four-foot-tall doll figures with frozen mouths, and hilariously oversized heads. Astin takes advantage of the misplaced kindness of the Garbage Pail Kids to help win the affection of Katie Barberi, an older girl he has the hots for. By why he’s ever attracted to this mess of a human is beyond me… she’s shown to be nothing more than a manipulative and inconsiderate jerk with poor fashion sense who constantly exploits her so-called friends. Speaking of fashion, a fair deal of the idiotic plot revolves around black-market clothing sales: which only serve to remind modern audiences of how dreadful and ridiculous eighties fashions were. The film is backed by a painfully distracting score from Michael Llyod that sounds like the soundtrack to a jazzercize workout. An attempt to impart some ethical values concerning outward appearances, and treating others fairly… is entirely lost in the insulting, crude, and distasteful script that frequently practices the exact opposite of what it is trying to preach. Over the course of the 97-minute experience, you can practically feel your intelligence diminish in real-time. The lone highlight of this picture however is Anthony Newley as a sage and mysterious mentor character, who shares this apropos line of advice towards the beginning of the film, “Losing is relative, my dear boy. What matters is conceding with grace.” Unfortunately, this boringly paced crapfest ignores its own advice… and fails to concede at all: instead going full-tilt towards the absurd unashamedly. It’s one sad, never-ending gag that goes from unfunny to insufferable, with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. While it deserves its place upon the pantheon of terrible films, it is hardly the absolute worst – but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever try watching this again. “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie”, a “Colossal mistake of corporate greed.”
~

Comments

BrickStudioFilms says:

I have something positive about this movie….. It didn’t get a sequel

sfighter00 says:

I never sat through this movie nor caught it on TV. And you know what, thank goodness I didn’t. The Garbage Pale Kids Movie, it’s just that, Garbage.

wright96d says:

MY EYES

KILL IT WITH FIRE
LIGHT THEM ALL UP

Alexander Ip says:

0/10 enough for me to believe in strict local boarding schools
those bunch of disgusting little …

LewisDavies2007 says:

I totally agree that the movie is truly garbage and this is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. This abomination is worse, WAY worse than Twilight!

Dawson Joyce says:

“Not even an impeccable performance from Daniel Day-Lewis could save this shitshow.”
This is a fact, kids. Remember it.

JWUniverse says:

Great review Jon. This movie pissed me off lol.

the ops man says:

I love this movie 2

MovieNight says:

Thanks for watching!

Judson Joist says:

Street Trash is way better. It’s actually fun to watch!

Timothy Herrera says:

Mars attacks was a much entertaining movie then this what a huge mistake this turned out to be.

Justin Barney says:

I LOVE this movie! 😉 …it served it’s purpose and I’d like to see it come out on Blu-Ray :)

Vincent Lin says:

Worst movie I have ever seen. I will give it a 0/10.

cHeStEr5434 says:

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

heaintloveu says:

Is that one garbage girl supposed to be black

Steven Way says:

Please tell me you didn’t view this crap again for this review. It’s just not worth it, Mr. Paula! Lol

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